If it weren't for pain on Earth, no one would really want to get to Heaven. Thank God. I do want to go to Heaven.

So the 'grade' of my tumor came back as a 2/3. That is out of a scale rating from 1 to 4... so not the best, but not the worst.

Dear Lord, my Father,
Please God, please let me be healed. Let me be safe in your arms--always comforted. Let my light from You shine on others. I love You Lord, and I want to do Your Will but I find the strength to do it so difficult to find sometimes. I find it hard not to be anxious and filled with worry, even though I know whatever happens is Your Will, and You are letting it happen for a reason. God, help me use this battle to worship You and show You to those around me. Please let me be okay. I want to live a long, abundant life for You. I love You.
Amen.

Follow You

I have a CT Scan of my chest tomorrow morning and then I meet with Dr. Warneke again next Thursday to hopefully plan out surgery #2 and see what else needs to be done. Thus far, this has not been too painful physically and every day I feel emotionally stronger. Thank God I am alive, healthy (for the most part) and able to enjoy life.

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Much of life is tragic, for everyone. My prayer is that through my pain, I can reach out to others who need help and comfort. I want to share the peace I have in Jesus with others. I have no peace and hope outside of Him. This song is so appropriate for how I feel and what I want to do:

Follow You by Leeland

You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead You gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow You into the homes that are broken.
Follow You into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow You into the World.

Use my hands, use my feet
To make Your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until Your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross Your blood was shed
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow You into the homes that are broken.
Follow You into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow You into the World.

I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.
And I give all myself.
Yes, I give all myself.
And I give all myself... to you.

And I'll follow You into the homes that are broken
Follow You into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow You into the World.

Whirled my World

Such is cancer. To turn someone's life upside-down.


This week I just couldn't get myself to sit down and really think about what I was going through. I would rather stay busy all the time and not leave any room for thinking and reflecting.

However, I feel better this week. I met with Dr. Warneke at the Arizona Cancer Center (through UMC) on Thursday. The entire first visit as a patient at the center took around 2 and 1/2 hours, every minute for which I am thankful. Thus far, I will tell anyone who asks that the ACC is an amazing place, where everyone there cares about the patient, not just the diagnosis.

I met with Dr. Sahai at Southwestern Surgery on Friday and he pretty much freaked me out again, though I have gathered my thoughts concerning him. Here's the layout:

Dr. Warneke:
-First and foremost is a sarcoma specialist
-Does not believe that I have a 'very serious' thing to worry about
-Did say that my tumor was over 5cm (it was 7cm) which is not a good thing
-Needed to see what the tumor was 'graded,' out of 1-4, he was guessing it was a 2 with 1 being the least aggressive and 4 being the most aggressive (I apparently did not receive a full biopsy report from Dr. Farve, ugh)
-Said a grade 2 tumor was managable (rather easily too)
-Said he believed I had a less than 1% chance that the cancer has spread
-Said he was pretty sure I wouldn't need radiation, but if there is any sign that the cancer which is still in my leg has spread, I will have to get radiation
-Said it was really odd that my first incision was completely horizontal, but it wasn't too big of a deal

Dr. Sahai:
-Is a surgical oncologist with no specialization in my type of cancer
-Said radiation for sure
-Said surgery incisions would be rather difficult since my first incision was horizontal (thanks a lot Dr. Kelly Farve...)
-Had the full biopsy report but said that since my sarcoma was of the Myxoid-type, it wasn't 'graded' (what!?)

Okay, so nothing against Dr. Rohit Sahai, but he is not a specialist in my area, and he really freaked me out in the appointment by taking the 'better-cover-myself-and-do-all-treatments-just-in-case' route. Dr. James Warneke, on the other hand, was super informative, very attentive to my ideas and my anxieties, and heck, he specializes in sarcomas. Thus, my decision is to go to the ACC and have Dr. Warneke and the other sarcoma specialists there take my case.

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There is a flip side. The fact is, without God in the picture, nothing can be done. Without God on my side, my cancer will not heal. Without God's healing, loving hand, I will not be okay. I rely on God's mercy and strength day to day and I can not exist without him.


Exodus 15:2-3

² The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

³ The LORD is a warrior;
the LORD is his name.

Heaven

So you know the childhood song from Children's church? The one that was so fun to sing, especially in a round, especially when the boys split from the girls to sing different parts? This one?

Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace.
I want to see my Savior's face because Heaven is a wonderful place.
(I want to go there)

It is so simple. Heaven is perfect and I want to go there. Well, cancer is one way in. I'm not sure how else to put it, though my happy-go-lucky childhood song has turned into a plea for mercy.

I cry out, for Your hand of mercy to heal me.
I am weak, how I need Your love to free me.
Oh Lord, my rock, my strength in weakness,
Come rescue me, Oh Lord.
You are my hope, and Your promise never fails me,
And my desire is to follow You forever.
For You are good,
For You are good,
For You are good to me.

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So a newly acquired, yet incredibly dear friend of mine asked if I blogged. Do I blog? I used to blog. I blogged when life was much more simple, though for the past few weeks, starting a new blog has been on my mind. I need an fresh outlet for a new life I am starting.

As of December 30th, 2009 I am a diagnosed cancer 'victim.' I was diagnosed with Myxoid Liposarcoma. I can't exactly say much about it right now other than I am constantly anxious and terrified.
I know Heaven is a wonderful place, and I do want to go there, though I am not sure I am ready at this point in my life. I feel like I still have so much to do, so much to fulfill and I still have things to work out. I feel like I have not completed many of the tasks God has set before me in my life.

This form of cancer is somewhat rare and serious. Pray hard to God that I will overcome it. I have read many stories of this cancer and have read few positive outcomes. This will be a hard battle.

I wrote to a friend a while ago that I had 'lived more than most people,' that 'Heaven won't be so bad anyway.' I still believe that, but I still believe I have unfinished business here on Earth. I did make my boyfriend, Virgil, promise me that no matter what happens, he will continue going to church and continue finding God and that he will get baptized because I want to see him in Heaven.

Sometimes, I want to be like Job. I need prayers to be strong.

Psalm 25:4-5
Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.