So I said I wouldn't blog anymore because I wanted to make a blog on things that make me happy...
I take it back!! I'm confused and upset and now I want to blog about it!

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Last Friday, my 27th radiation treatment, was my worst treatment. Mind you I have only 30 treatments, so this is the 4th from the last. What happened in this treatment isn't the most important part, but I guess it should be known since it is what made me realize everything else in this blog...

I got up on my table, ready for treatment. The two techs who were treating me were not my regulars, but they had both treated me before so I was comfortable. That is, until they looked at my leg. As I turned my head, I saw their horrified faces.  Yes, my leg is peeling and blistered (quite badly).  However, I was prepared for this!  A bad sunburn is what I was expecting, and it is what I got, so why should they be so surprised to see this?

The base of the rest of the story is the two techs trying to get me to forgo treatment for the day and take a long, three day weekend to heal some.  I had three treatments after this Friday treatment.  Why the hell would I stop now?!  They even brought doctors in to look at my leg, because they were so sure that I should not have that treatment.  Thank God that the doctor's response upon looking at my leg was 'It is nto that bad, I have seen worse, I don't see the need to stop treatment now."  So the conversation ended with me getting my way (and me being completely upset and crying too).  I had treatment and I will finish out my last three on this Wednesday.  

The interesting part of all of this happened today at treatment.  I had the same two techs (kind of unfortunate for me, I won't lie, I was harboring resentment against them for making my Friday so yucky).  But as I ended treatment today, they come in and one of them rubs my back and says "You are one tough cookie."

I was taken aback.  How does 'tough' encompass me at all?  If I were given ten words to describe myself, 'tough' would not make the list.  The fact is, I was diagnosed with cancer.  How on earth am I 'tough' because I am going through radiation and I just want to push through?  I want it to be over!  How can facing this, because I have to, make me tough?  I surely didn't choose to go this route.  I was, and am terrified and the only way I get through it, is to push as hard as I can to get through!  It takes every ounce of my being to not cry randomly when I see an ad about cancer, or I think of someone or myself who has cancer.  I'm not tough.  I'm just struggling to get through.

My reply to her was "Well, it is something that I have to go through."  And she again said I was still quite tough.  So, once again, I went around the 'tough' comment and said that I am just thankful I don't have to go through chemo too, because I am sure chemo would be a lot worse.   Other people have to face chemo, and that is scarier to me than radiation.

I fought them on Friday.  They didn't want me to have treatment, but the truth is, I didn't want to have treatment either!  My leg is really sore and painful, it is peeling and raw.  Of course I would like to take time off to heal, but time off to heal isn't going to finish the damned process.

Anyway.  I just wanted to post this to let everyone, the world, know that I am not tough.  I am just trying to get through this life.

It's been a long time

So really now, it has been such a long time since I've posted... since I've taken the time to sit down, write, think and feel all at once. I like doing them separately (or at least feeling and writing separately). However, I feel blogging is still good for my soul. Is it bad to want to blog about something that makes me really happy? Well, whether or not it is good for me, I am giving this blog up to make way for a co-blog with my sister. A co-food-blog!

Update: radiation is good. Or, as good as it can be I guess? My leg is quite red, raw, sore and itchy. And I hate sitting, even though I like to sit. I pray and hope that this 6 crazy weeks of radiation did the trick (dear God).

Catch my food blog!