So I said I wouldn't blog anymore because I wanted to make a blog on things that make me happy...
I take it back!! I'm confused and upset and now I want to blog about it!

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Last Friday, my 27th radiation treatment, was my worst treatment. Mind you I have only 30 treatments, so this is the 4th from the last. What happened in this treatment isn't the most important part, but I guess it should be known since it is what made me realize everything else in this blog...

I got up on my table, ready for treatment. The two techs who were treating me were not my regulars, but they had both treated me before so I was comfortable. That is, until they looked at my leg. As I turned my head, I saw their horrified faces.  Yes, my leg is peeling and blistered (quite badly).  However, I was prepared for this!  A bad sunburn is what I was expecting, and it is what I got, so why should they be so surprised to see this?

The base of the rest of the story is the two techs trying to get me to forgo treatment for the day and take a long, three day weekend to heal some.  I had three treatments after this Friday treatment.  Why the hell would I stop now?!  They even brought doctors in to look at my leg, because they were so sure that I should not have that treatment.  Thank God that the doctor's response upon looking at my leg was 'It is nto that bad, I have seen worse, I don't see the need to stop treatment now."  So the conversation ended with me getting my way (and me being completely upset and crying too).  I had treatment and I will finish out my last three on this Wednesday.  

The interesting part of all of this happened today at treatment.  I had the same two techs (kind of unfortunate for me, I won't lie, I was harboring resentment against them for making my Friday so yucky).  But as I ended treatment today, they come in and one of them rubs my back and says "You are one tough cookie."

I was taken aback.  How does 'tough' encompass me at all?  If I were given ten words to describe myself, 'tough' would not make the list.  The fact is, I was diagnosed with cancer.  How on earth am I 'tough' because I am going through radiation and I just want to push through?  I want it to be over!  How can facing this, because I have to, make me tough?  I surely didn't choose to go this route.  I was, and am terrified and the only way I get through it, is to push as hard as I can to get through!  It takes every ounce of my being to not cry randomly when I see an ad about cancer, or I think of someone or myself who has cancer.  I'm not tough.  I'm just struggling to get through.

My reply to her was "Well, it is something that I have to go through."  And she again said I was still quite tough.  So, once again, I went around the 'tough' comment and said that I am just thankful I don't have to go through chemo too, because I am sure chemo would be a lot worse.   Other people have to face chemo, and that is scarier to me than radiation.

I fought them on Friday.  They didn't want me to have treatment, but the truth is, I didn't want to have treatment either!  My leg is really sore and painful, it is peeling and raw.  Of course I would like to take time off to heal, but time off to heal isn't going to finish the damned process.

Anyway.  I just wanted to post this to let everyone, the world, know that I am not tough.  I am just trying to get through this life.

It's been a long time

So really now, it has been such a long time since I've posted... since I've taken the time to sit down, write, think and feel all at once. I like doing them separately (or at least feeling and writing separately). However, I feel blogging is still good for my soul. Is it bad to want to blog about something that makes me really happy? Well, whether or not it is good for me, I am giving this blog up to make way for a co-blog with my sister. A co-food-blog!

Update: radiation is good. Or, as good as it can be I guess? My leg is quite red, raw, sore and itchy. And I hate sitting, even though I like to sit. I pray and hope that this 6 crazy weeks of radiation did the trick (dear God).

Catch my food blog!

Bare trees....

Side note: this was a free write I did for a class... the topic was 'bare trees.'

Bare trees are the symbol of winter, in my mind. Bare trees are also beautiful in my mind, as winter is beautiful. The way they branch out, so thin and frail-looking—yet when spring comes, they bounce to life again as if winter never happened. Hibernation.

What is so beautiful about the bareness? The loss of leaves, floating away into the sky? Why is it beautiful? The somber trees, representing a somber time of year. That solemn time of year also has spikes of warmth and happiness. Christmas, Hannukah, love, family, presents, meals; all of these belong to beautiful winter.

Bare. The loss of hair. Bald skin. What is there in life? I have gorgeous red hair—something I have always cherished in my life (something I have marked and distinguished myself by for as long as I can remember). There is something that could take that away, but it is also a giver of life.

My identity is not my hair. My identity is my life, how I spend my time, the things I say, the people I surround myself with. Trees do not identify themselves by how bare their branches can be, but rather by the beautiful leaves they produce upon returning to spring year after year. The importance lies in how life is lived.

Like a bare tree returning to spring, I can return to normal life after chemotherapy, after cancer. Leaves grow back, as does hair. Chemo, a sign of beauty? That bald head proves one beautiful thing: life does go on, and I am fighting for more. Beauty, in its essence.

I walked outside today, after my first appointment with a radiologist. It was raining and cold. Most definitely winter. Most definitely beautiful. The rain matched the tears on my cheeks—not just wet, but cleansing. I know that after the pain, after the sadness, a new, fresh life will come my way. The buds of spring will enter my world again.

Bare trees represent beauty and life. They are the old being replaced with the new, year after year; a necessary process of life. One cannot have fresh leaves if the old are in its place. Life goes on, as it ever does.

Good and good

I am now officially engaged :) Yay! Virgil asked me yesterday (as soon as we picked up the ring) if I would marry him! Such a positive, happy thing. And my ring is so beautiful.

Good #2:
I have surgery this Wednesday to remove the rest of the cancer from my leg. Well, hopefully it will be the rest of the cancer. I still have not heard any results from my CT Scan so that still weighs on my mind.

My mind is heavy... and dull. I am overwhelmed. I can barely keep up with what 'needs' to get done in my life. I need clarity. One second I clearly remember what it is that I need to do, and 3 minutes later I can't even begin to list off what should be done, much less in what order. I need relief. Hopefully, being away from work for over two weeks will help me refresh myself, my mind and my life.

Pray that I am healed from cancer. Completely. I need complete healing, and that can only come from Above. I need to trade in my life for God's wholeness and caring. It doesn't really matter what I am going through and what is happening because He is by my side.

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By Your Side
Tenth Avenue North
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

If it weren't for pain on Earth, no one would really want to get to Heaven. Thank God. I do want to go to Heaven.

So the 'grade' of my tumor came back as a 2/3. That is out of a scale rating from 1 to 4... so not the best, but not the worst.

Dear Lord, my Father,
Please God, please let me be healed. Let me be safe in your arms--always comforted. Let my light from You shine on others. I love You Lord, and I want to do Your Will but I find the strength to do it so difficult to find sometimes. I find it hard not to be anxious and filled with worry, even though I know whatever happens is Your Will, and You are letting it happen for a reason. God, help me use this battle to worship You and show You to those around me. Please let me be okay. I want to live a long, abundant life for You. I love You.
Amen.

Follow You

I have a CT Scan of my chest tomorrow morning and then I meet with Dr. Warneke again next Thursday to hopefully plan out surgery #2 and see what else needs to be done. Thus far, this has not been too painful physically and every day I feel emotionally stronger. Thank God I am alive, healthy (for the most part) and able to enjoy life.

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Much of life is tragic, for everyone. My prayer is that through my pain, I can reach out to others who need help and comfort. I want to share the peace I have in Jesus with others. I have no peace and hope outside of Him. This song is so appropriate for how I feel and what I want to do:

Follow You by Leeland

You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead You gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow You into the homes that are broken.
Follow You into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow You into the World.

Use my hands, use my feet
To make Your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth
Until Your work is done
'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross Your blood was shed
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow You into the homes that are broken.
Follow You into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow You into the World.

I give all myself.
I give all myself
I give all myself... to you.
And I give all myself.
Yes, I give all myself.
And I give all myself... to you.

And I'll follow You into the homes that are broken
Follow You into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow You into the World.

Whirled my World

Such is cancer. To turn someone's life upside-down.


This week I just couldn't get myself to sit down and really think about what I was going through. I would rather stay busy all the time and not leave any room for thinking and reflecting.

However, I feel better this week. I met with Dr. Warneke at the Arizona Cancer Center (through UMC) on Thursday. The entire first visit as a patient at the center took around 2 and 1/2 hours, every minute for which I am thankful. Thus far, I will tell anyone who asks that the ACC is an amazing place, where everyone there cares about the patient, not just the diagnosis.

I met with Dr. Sahai at Southwestern Surgery on Friday and he pretty much freaked me out again, though I have gathered my thoughts concerning him. Here's the layout:

Dr. Warneke:
-First and foremost is a sarcoma specialist
-Does not believe that I have a 'very serious' thing to worry about
-Did say that my tumor was over 5cm (it was 7cm) which is not a good thing
-Needed to see what the tumor was 'graded,' out of 1-4, he was guessing it was a 2 with 1 being the least aggressive and 4 being the most aggressive (I apparently did not receive a full biopsy report from Dr. Farve, ugh)
-Said a grade 2 tumor was managable (rather easily too)
-Said he believed I had a less than 1% chance that the cancer has spread
-Said he was pretty sure I wouldn't need radiation, but if there is any sign that the cancer which is still in my leg has spread, I will have to get radiation
-Said it was really odd that my first incision was completely horizontal, but it wasn't too big of a deal

Dr. Sahai:
-Is a surgical oncologist with no specialization in my type of cancer
-Said radiation for sure
-Said surgery incisions would be rather difficult since my first incision was horizontal (thanks a lot Dr. Kelly Farve...)
-Had the full biopsy report but said that since my sarcoma was of the Myxoid-type, it wasn't 'graded' (what!?)

Okay, so nothing against Dr. Rohit Sahai, but he is not a specialist in my area, and he really freaked me out in the appointment by taking the 'better-cover-myself-and-do-all-treatments-just-in-case' route. Dr. James Warneke, on the other hand, was super informative, very attentive to my ideas and my anxieties, and heck, he specializes in sarcomas. Thus, my decision is to go to the ACC and have Dr. Warneke and the other sarcoma specialists there take my case.

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There is a flip side. The fact is, without God in the picture, nothing can be done. Without God on my side, my cancer will not heal. Without God's healing, loving hand, I will not be okay. I rely on God's mercy and strength day to day and I can not exist without him.


Exodus 15:2-3

² The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise him,
my father's God, and I will exalt him.

³ The LORD is a warrior;
the LORD is his name.

Heaven

So you know the childhood song from Children's church? The one that was so fun to sing, especially in a round, especially when the boys split from the girls to sing different parts? This one?

Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace.
I want to see my Savior's face because Heaven is a wonderful place.
(I want to go there)

It is so simple. Heaven is perfect and I want to go there. Well, cancer is one way in. I'm not sure how else to put it, though my happy-go-lucky childhood song has turned into a plea for mercy.

I cry out, for Your hand of mercy to heal me.
I am weak, how I need Your love to free me.
Oh Lord, my rock, my strength in weakness,
Come rescue me, Oh Lord.
You are my hope, and Your promise never fails me,
And my desire is to follow You forever.
For You are good,
For You are good,
For You are good to me.

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So a newly acquired, yet incredibly dear friend of mine asked if I blogged. Do I blog? I used to blog. I blogged when life was much more simple, though for the past few weeks, starting a new blog has been on my mind. I need an fresh outlet for a new life I am starting.

As of December 30th, 2009 I am a diagnosed cancer 'victim.' I was diagnosed with Myxoid Liposarcoma. I can't exactly say much about it right now other than I am constantly anxious and terrified.
I know Heaven is a wonderful place, and I do want to go there, though I am not sure I am ready at this point in my life. I feel like I still have so much to do, so much to fulfill and I still have things to work out. I feel like I have not completed many of the tasks God has set before me in my life.

This form of cancer is somewhat rare and serious. Pray hard to God that I will overcome it. I have read many stories of this cancer and have read few positive outcomes. This will be a hard battle.

I wrote to a friend a while ago that I had 'lived more than most people,' that 'Heaven won't be so bad anyway.' I still believe that, but I still believe I have unfinished business here on Earth. I did make my boyfriend, Virgil, promise me that no matter what happens, he will continue going to church and continue finding God and that he will get baptized because I want to see him in Heaven.

Sometimes, I want to be like Job. I need prayers to be strong.

Psalm 25:4-5
Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.